Yesterday was mother's birthday. We went to the cemetery to pay our respects. Just want everyone to know that.
I'm bothered by a lot of things. I really do not know how to pick myself off the ground because of what happened. But as Fergie said in a song... "...I'm gonna miss you like a child misses (his) blanket, but I've got to get a move on with my life." If you see me now... I'll boldly say...
I'm beginning to know what LOVE is.
No, not LOVE in general. I think you know what I mean. I'm longing to be with someone, but still I have the courage to wait for the right time. There just comes a time when you think about these things, I guess. Every night before I go to sleep I think about what might have been if I made a move. Would I be too aggressive? I'm not that type, but I am scared of that impression. People say I do look tough because of my shaved head, broad shoulders and huge built.
I don't want to be misunderstood.
I think you could call me a late-bloomer when it comes to... ehem... certain things. Tropapips say I am good-looking (although I don't really see it) so I should take that advantage to... score. This little black book concept is getting too strange for me. Sometimes, I think I am committing a huge sin if I start to something. I told a friend about that. That friend I consider someone who's the suave type. Lord knows how many people he has slept with, but he knows that I know it's just a game. He said, "Pare, it's all in the mind... It's all in your mind." Really now? I just feel too different about it. What about, you say? Hmmm... maybe the risk of getting caught? When you cheat, you play dirty. Everyone knows that. Whatever the situation is... it feels wrong to me.
I'm not that type of guy... Well, I do my best not to be...
In some gigs, I feel it. Yep, the pressure of... getting it on anytime soon. That's night life. Anything can happen, you can be whoever you want to be. Your fantasies can be real, even just for a night.
But what happens when the sun rises?
After the bars close, bottles downed, food purged, and urges fulfilled... what's next? Nothing. Nothing happened really. Or you can act... pretend as if nothing happened. Still there is that small part of you not wanting it to end. You just want to drown in all the booze that you can handle and seize the guy or girl who rubs up on you and makes you dance on the dance floor... the bedroom... the kitchen... your car... your hummer... your truck... the bathroom... Admit it, you don't want it to end. It just goes on and on. But it does disappear.
And in the end you long for what's REAL.
To those who found them already, congratulations. Hold on to them. Remember the reason why you are with that person. All the temptation in the world can't penetrate what you have if what you have is real. Cherish every moment that you have with them. Do not take them for granted. In this life, you may do everything in your power to plan and do what you want... but you'll never know what happens next.
To those people who are me, live you life. Go. Move along. Don't be afraid to make mistakes but just the same, be careful not to make them. You are not stupid. You are single, but you are not alone. You're not ugly, fat, stubborn, strict, a nagger, a chatterbox, or anything else. You are YOU. This sounds cliché but there is definately someone for you. You may look for them, or they may find you. Just remember to never give up on the LOVE that I am talking about. Whatever from of LOVE it is, you can always make more when you need it.
I'd like to share something I've read from a shoutout from a friend's Friendster profile:
"If what's ahead scares you, and what's behind hurts you, just LOOK UP for someone to help you."
I just hope I made sense. Even though... in some crazy way... maybe I don't know what I'm saying.
But in my gut I get the feeling that...
Yeah...
I DO.
Peace, y'all.
